I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
