I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
