The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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