Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
