at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
