hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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