I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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