goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
my phone needs a breathalizer
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
