if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Who died my cat blue again?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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