theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
