A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
