My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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