I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
