i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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