Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
