She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
