I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
