I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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