be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
