I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
