i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
