hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Your cock deserves a montage
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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