handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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