Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
