i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
