i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
