im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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