I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
