You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
