So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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