You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
why is half of my head shaved?
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