i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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