the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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