oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Redeem this text for a blowjob
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
