I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
