I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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