id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
