god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
