She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
