She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
