You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
