I wanna bring you to show and tell
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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