Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
