I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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