Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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