this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
