haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
