i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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