i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
