Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
