My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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