You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
